Pssst. Hey, buddy. Over here.
No, don't look directly at me!
You know the drill. Just keep staring straight ahead and pay no attention to me while I pretend to be reading the newspaper.
Are you sure nobody followed you here? Good. Now listen up and listen good.
"Mother is worried about mother."
Get it? Why, it's secret code, of course! Geez, what is with you? OK, let me break protocol and spell it out for you.
"Mother"...that is, the mother ship...ergo, the Agency...is concerned about Mother Nature...Earth!
What's the matter, you still don't get it? Oh, for Pete's sake!
Here's the skinny: The Central Intelligence Agency is freaked out about global warming. So we're launching The Center on Climate Change and National Security. This special unit will be staffed with the best and brightest "senior specialists" from our sister agencies -- the Directorate of Intelligence and the Directorate of Science and Technology -- to assess the national security risks of climate change impacts, like desertification, rising sea levels, population shifts, and heightened competition for natural resources.
Didn't you get the memo? You know, the one from the boss, CIA Director Leon Panetta, in which he writes: "Decision makers need information and analysis on the effects climate change can have on security. The CIA is well positioned to deliver that intelligence."
Damn straight! Like the memo says, this special team of intelligence pros "will assume responsibility for coordinating with Intelligence Community partners on the review and declassification of imagery and other data that could be of use to scientists in their own climate-related research."
The best part is that there's a boat-load of imagery and other scientific information already out there and it'll be our job to collect and analyze it all with an eye towards figuring out potential threats to the good ole U.S. of A. That way we can game-plan a way to meet and overcome any problems brought about by this topsy-turvy climate crisis.
See, the CIA will use the Center to coordinate with other members of the intelligence community to review and declassify data on climate issues. Oh, but you better believe our crack climate team is gonna do more than just assess the effect that climate change can have on political, economic, and social stability overseas. By aggressively reaching out to the top experts working on this issue -- whether in academia or at think tanks -- our global warming "good shepherds" will become a powerful asset recognized throughout our government, and beyond, for our knowledge and insight.
So, you wanna get in on this or what? Yeah, that's what I thought. OK, pick up your briefcase and let's get cracking. And button up your raincoat, fella, 'cause something tells me we're in for some nasty weather on this mission.