UPDATE: After taking too many lumps, ACCCE pulls plug on Coal Caroler campaign!! See details.
Hey, I like song parodies as much as anyone. Just see my alternative lyrics to the "drill everywhere" song.
But, c'mon, can the coal industry be serious? Or should I ask, can its latest effort to re-brand dirty coal as a healthy hallmark of festive cheer be for real?
Behold the Clean Coal Carolers, animated lumps of coal belting out songs like "Frosty the Coalman", "Clean Coal Night", and "Deck the Halls" (with Clean Coal!). Seriously, check this out and then tell me if watching the creepiest thing since California's singing raisins makes you feel all warm and toasty about an industry that profits by making our planet warm and toasty.
It just so happens that last year I penned four parody carols about liquid coal that my colleagues sang at our office holiday party. 'Tis the season, so feel free to make these songs a part of your holiday tradition.
Coal Black Night (To the tune of "Silent Night")
Liquid coal, pure fool's gold
Dark and wet, a bad bet
Mined yon mountain blown to hell
Pollutes the atmosphere as well
Worsens global warming
Worsens global warming
Liquid coal, wastes our dough
Price is high, to subsidize
Why should taxpayers foot the bill
Why is Congress Big Coal's shill
Say no to coal companies
Say no to coal companies
Old King Coal (To the tune of "Old King Coal")
Old King Coal was a scary old soul,
And a scary old soul was he;
He called for tax breaks, and he called for hard cash,
And all for his coal companies.
Turning dirty coal into liquid,
Indeed that's as silly as can be.
Oh there's none compare, on that we swear,
To King Coal and his mindless greed.
Liquid Coal (Sung to the tune of "Let it Snow")
Oh the weather outside is frightful,
Al Gore's power point insightful,
But if industry gets its way,
Liquid coal! Liquid coal! Liquid coal!
They're bragging 'bout carbon capture,
Making Congress so enraptured,
Threats to turn the lights way down low,
Liquid coal! Liquid coal! Liquid coal!
But if industry wins the day,
How we'll miss out on all that snow,
'Cause winters will feel like summer,
Liquid coal! Liquid coal! Liquid coal!
The planet is surely roasting,
Coal lobbyists are toasting,
It's up to Congress to just say no,
Liquid coal! Liquid coal! Liquid coal!
Kick the Coal (To the tune of "Deck the Halls")
Liquid coal is a big folly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Gives a gift to old Peabody,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Some in Congress like to coddle,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
They must know it's a boondoggle,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Coal for fuel is such a bummer,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Might as well just buy a Hummer.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Driving cars fueled by coal fire,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Will make the ocean levels higher,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Liquid coal is no solution,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Doubles global warming pollution
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
So we urge our Senators,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don't give in to polluters.
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
So, to the industry Scrooges who think they can win the day with cynical ploys to convince people that coal is anything but dirty, I say "Bah Humbug!"